October 2005  Home Red's 2006 Columns Red's 2005 Columns Red's 2004 Columns Red's 2003 Columns Red's 2002 Columns august.05.page4.jpg (click for printed page)		GUEST COLUMNIST Hurricanes, terrorism, Braves and Halloween by red neckerson As if we didn't have enough problems with hurricanes, terrorism, The Braves annual fall meltdown and a glut of confusing TV shows imitating Lost, now we have to prepare for Halloween. I have actually researched this topic rather than relying on my usual method of just making something up, and I have concluded that there is no way to prepare for this semi holiday. Countless websites assure me that in spite of fundamentalist ravings about Satan, urban legends of poisoned treats, razor bladed apples, peaches and pumpkin pies, Halloween is just one more day when kids try to get what they want by threatening to destroy property. Many adults join the fun by dressing in outlandish garb or stripping down to a couple of Band Aids and body paint. For exhibitionists, flashers and nudists, Halloween is Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo and, Casual Friday all rolled into one. I stopped dressing up for Halloween many years ago when it became politically incorrect to represent a hobo. Those costumes were pretty much cost free and could be assembled quickly from my wardrobe, but when the term "hobo" was replaced with "homeless person" all humor was lost and anyone disrespecting that voting bloc could be charged with a hate crime, I volunteered to stay home on Halloween and dispense treats to the adorable children who would come calling, oar not. When I invest a week's pay in candy, nobody comes. When I decide not to buy any candy, carload after carload of disgruntled brats arrive, pound on my door until they run out of insults and leave. Last year, I bought a ton of candy and left it in a big bowl on the porch along with a note that said, "take only your fair share." The first carload of kids took it all. Goblins, ghosts, Harry Potters, Spidermen and princesses are not to be trusted. I have been the designated costume maker for all the kids in my family and few others I don't recognize. It used to be fun when I knocked out of paper mache Snoopy or Winnie The Pooh, then progressed to Superman, a Power Ranger, a robot and culminating with my masterpiece, Sponge Bob Squarepants. As luck would have it, someone started rumors about the cartoon characters sexual orientation and the kid refused to wear it. This year, a teenage brother and sister insist I make them look like the two most annoying people in America, Donald Trump and Martha Stewart so they can go to their middle school costume party and fire the teachers. This would require extensive plastic surgery and unless the TV show Extreme Makeover, selects them, they can just wear those comical outfits they wear to the mall. Yeah, I'm ready for Halloween like New Orleans was ready for Katrina. (Red Neckerson is based in Atlanta. rdnkrsn@aol.com or www.redneckerson.com)