NECKERSON
Red Neckerson
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JANUARY 2001
How 'bout Y2K plus 1 predictions?
by red neckerson
Now that the real millennium has arrived, nobody is talking about it. Y2K+1 as we call it here at the Neckerson Research Center has been about as interesting as an Atlanta sports team.
This year, all the hype, doomsday predicting, sales promotions and over-use of the sickening word millennium has been replaced by post-election whining. Do you get the feeling that the same people who predicted all the Y2K calamities are the same ones who conducted the exit polls?
Meanwhile, people who were too dumb to punch a hole in a ballot are now predicting the fall of the Nation because the President elect is stupid. Many of them are buying generators, canned food, bottled water, candles and blankets, but most of them still have the stuff they bought last year. I suppose if one is gullible enough, it's just one damn crisis after another. Never the less we will push forward with our predictions for the new year and assume that the Country will survive.
Predictions, in order of importance:
•The Falcons will not improve, but will stick to their strategic plan, which is hoping all the other NFL teams get a lot worse.
•The stock market will recover once investors are assured that John Rocker was just kidding about becoming a stock broker.
•Elian Gonzalaz will wash up on another raft.
•Towing companies will start booting cars stopped for traffic lights in Buckhead.
•Firestone and Ford will merge and establish a new airline.
•After many scandals and cost over-runs, the bridge on the river Kwai will be shipped in to span the downtown connector.
•Taxpayers will be hit for over a billion dollars for new, improved voting machines only to discover that the truly addled still won't be able to work them.
•Those are our predictions for the new year based on our random sample of approximately 7 disgruntled substance abusers. This survey has a plus or minus error ratio of 7.
Happy New Year.
(Red Neckerson is a nationally syndicated radio humorist based in Atlanta. RDNKRSN@AOL .com)
FEBRUARY 2001
Valentine's Day is a day of 'relief'
by red neckerson
Valentine's Day has its good points even though most guys consider it just one more feminized, expensive pain the the rump. Not me, since I'm sensitive, thoughtful and generous unless I forget.
My research proves that Valentin'es Day was only added to the calendar so women could get even with men for ignoring them during football season. As my pal Harry says, "A guy wants a little time to himself from August to February and they get the mule lip." However, it is a time for a brief truce in the war of the sexes and a guy can give a woman a card containing pet names that are otherwise considered demeaning, chauvinistic and grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Antoher rationalization for Valetine's Day is to give men a chance to atone for her disappointing Christmas, a cheap New Year's Eve and for failing to assure her of an early Spring on Ground Hog's Day. If an attached guy forgets Valentine's Day, he can expect a household as chilly as Reverend Jesse Jackson's.
Before I am accused of stereotyping men as uh, ... typical men, I shold mention that there are many loving, generous husbands and boyfriends who dote on their mates all the time. Unfortunately, the only way for these guys to make Valentine's Day special is to set themselves on fire or cut off an ear. Saving affectionate gestures for rare occasions make them more meaningful, right? Like I always say, love is filled with contradictions and then again it isn't.
To sum up this romantic essay I would like to offer some age words of advice on how to maintain a constant, stress free, loving relationship so that every day is Valentine's Day but I've been sworn to secrecy while facing a deadline with space limitations and I haven't got a clue. So, who do you like in the Pro Bowl?
(Red Neckerson is a nationally syndicated radio humorist based in Atlanta. RDNKRSN@AOL .com)
MARCH 2001
Cell phone madness is in the air
by red neckerson
I recently read an article on a study that concluded cell phones cause no harm to users, and frankly I was disappointed. That leaves punishment to folks like me who are fed up with loud-mouthed lamebrains shrieking into those gizmos at ball games, movies, restaurants and stores, or while weaving all over the road at 90 miles an hour. The sickos who design cell phones make them the size of a chigger so they will be easier to lose, prompting sales for replacements. Since the tiny microphone is nowhere near the user's mouth, they have to scream to be heard by the victim of the call. This is irritating, disruptive and confusing to anyone else within 100 yards of them. Last night, I stopped by the grocery store to browse and complain about prices, when some woman yelled, "What are we having for supper?" Even thought I thought it was sort of a nosy question, I hollered back, "Baloney sandwiches, what else?" She gave me a dirty look and ordered me to "Mind my own business." Then I noticed she was talking into a cell phone. I thought she had been pulling on an ear lobe like Carol Burnett. Even more maddening is to be driving along, minding my own business and spotting a tailgater yakking on a cell phone. I always suspect that they are phoning the police to turn me in for some minor infraction. These fiendish devices don't make a normal beeping or ringing sound, oh no, that wouldn't be irritating enough. They blast out some nauseating version of "Dixie," "Yankee Doodle Dandy" or "Me So Horny." Being confined near someone carrying such a constantly erupting torture device could turn an anger management consultant into a homicidal maniac. Cell phones have been banned in our home. We shall continue to communicate as nature intended, by yelling at one another.
(Red Neckerson is a nationally syndicated radio humorist based in Atlanta. RDNKRSN@AOL .com)
APRIL 2001
'Tax relief' is nothing but pain
by red neckerson
Looks like I'll have to file an income tax return after all. With all that talk about tax cuts, rebates, allowances and deductions during the campaign season I figured that all taxes would be abolished by now.
The way I understand it, the Clinton Crime Family overcharged us and the treasury has a big surplus, so why are they still charging? I suspect the Internal Revenue System is being run by the same folks that sell natural gas.
I wouldn't mind paying taxes so much if I didn't have to listen to all the rich yahoos talk about how much money they're getting in refunds every year, while I have to scramble for some money to pay the additional taxes I owe. Wouldn't it be easier if I just made out a check to somebody due a refund?
I have reached the conclusion that life is not fair. Otherwise, Ted Turner would still be in charge of The Braves and the Smiths would have lost control of the Falcons. Obviously there is a tax dodge involved, which may appear confusing, but isn't that what the tax laws are all about? If the filing instructions weren't confusing, I wouldn't be paying an accountant $500 (plus tax) to save $29.50.
Tax relief my aching ear! All the whiners are complaining that a tax cut would not give any money back to all those poor people who aren't paying any taxes, and would actually give a tax break to people who pay taxes which is not only unfair, it would increase global warming and booty dancing. Actually, their best argument against a tax cut is that it will leave a huge national debt to be paid by our children's children. Mighty weak argument, because my children's children are already here, bumming off of me and they definitely do not repay any debts. If we leave it up to them, they will slap the bill on credit cards, max them out, then declare bankruptcy. If we never pay the debt, what are they gonna do, foreclose? Having an income can really complicate your life.
(Red Neckerson is a nationally syndicated radio humorist based in Atlanta. RDNKRSN@AOL .com)