WILLIS
Addison-Willis
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JANUARY 2001
The question is: Do you really want to know?
by elizabeth addison willis
There are basically two kinds of people in this world: those who want to know (but are sucked in by media spin and Court TV) and those who do not want to know (because life is overwhelming and it is easier not to know and have to figure it out). If you are trying to determine whether or not you fall into either category, ask a few probing questions?
For starters, how much television news do you watch? Next, do you reside with or work in close proximity to lawyers? These are key questions that can determine if you are the kind of person who wants to know or does not want to know.
Media influence is a key factor because typically, the media reports news from a Chicken Little perspective. For anyone not familiar with Chicken Little, this fictional character operated under a constant paranoid premise that the sky was falling. The media puts "falling sky" spin on most stories because sensationalism is what sells best.
Television is how most of us get our information. If you watch television, you will hear enough scary spin on any given program to be able to work-up a strong case of falling sky. Furthermore, if you have a lawyer in your family, hang out with lawyers or watch lawyers on television, you will no doubt be concerned about the liabilities associated with fallen (or potentially falling) sky. This is the price we pay for living in a highly litigious democracy.
Lately, the media provides a constant, predictable barrage about how Bush and/or Gore are losers. (If it's Democratic spin, Bush is bad news. If it's Republican spin, Gore sucks eggs.) After feasting on political muck, the commentator cuts to a segment on how dismal the economy will be in the next few years. Then there is a live report (from a faraway place you've never heard of) where world peace literally hangs in the balance.
If you listen long enough to the media, you may indeed come to believe that the sky is falling, so much so that even if you did want to know, you no longer do. However, those who continue to want to know become obsessed with gruesome details, which ratings show, represent the most popular venue in news reporting. Bad news sells better than good news. This information helps us understand the kind of people who simply do not want to know.
People who do not want to know often start with a strong distaste for the way information is reported, which turns to an inability to stomach dealing with the bad news and/or sorting through the spin.
Then every once in awhile, some really good news comes along, news that is so encouraging even media sharks have a hard time coming up with enough negative spin to turn it into falling sky. Case in point: breakthrough scientific discoveries in the recently completed human genome-sequencing project. In what could be called the big daddy of all science projects, experts at The National Institutes of Health (NIH) and in the private sector are poised to identify and map the genes of the human body. Even for us non-scientists, it is awesome to imagine the positive ramifications and benefits to medicine and future scientific research, which will yield new ways for ensuring people live longer, healthier lives. Nobody wants to live longer any other way.
The human genome-sequencing project is great news! That is unless you watch a television show with "falling sky" spin on the subject, including a panel of guests consisting of members from the legal and insurance communities. After they get through dissecting the potential liabilities, great science is reduced to pure FUD (Fear Uncertainty and Doubt). They say that if genetic information is used to identify pre-dispositions, many people will not be able to get insurance coverage and will be subject to unimaginable discrimination.
So, in the Chicken Little mode, people start to imagine going for a medial check-up in the not so distant future. It will be a day where physicians have access to genetic information, enabling them to understand individual predisposition for specific diseases and thus better target prevention and treatment.
But the patient hears the doctor saying, "Umm... your body contains the gene that could make you susceptible to cancer. Do you smoke or have exposure to second hand smoke, breath fumes while pumping gas into your car, eat highly processed and preserved foods or meats containing hormones, drink alcohol, or have exposure to dangerous chemicals at home or at work?"
And suddenly, because the modern deck seems so unevenly stacked, many that may have wanted to know decide they no longer do.
(Elizabeth Addison Willis is a published author, freelance writer and communications consultant. Her email address is willis@smyrnacable.net)
FEBRUARY 2001
True Confessions of a scrubber woman...
by elizabeth addison willis
...And that would be me! Maybe I don't seem like a scrubber woman, but the down and dirty truth is that I am genetically wired with the scrubbing/cleaning gene. Try as I might, I am unable to escape my need for get-down-in-the-crevices-kind-of-clean. After years of yo-yoing, I am analyzing what drives me and making more effort to connect with infinitely more important life issues. At the same time, I am working on accepting my scrubber ways. Perhaps there are others who can relate.
Not my fault that I was born with the scrubbing gene. On top of my genetic profile, instead of being 'reared' in the sense of growing up, I was actually 'trained' throughout my formative years by two loving, attentive parents, both of whom were accomplished scrubbers themselves. My parents and role models were constantly engaged in working at cleaning the house, manicuring the yard, washing the cars, tending the garden, etc... Not only were they accomplished scrubbers (general skill), but they were also proficient gardeners, auto detailers, painters, woodworkers, campers, etc... Working together created a strong bond between them. They thrived on activities involving physical labor. Beginning to see a nature-nurture pattern?
My father was undeniably the carrier of the scrubber gene. He is descended from a long line of inordinately detail-oriented and fastidious forebears. Actually, my mother, who comes from a clean-but-not-scrubber-oriented-family was normal before hooking-up with my dad. However, she became an accomplished scrubber and outstanding physical laborer under his meticulous tutelage.
Like most offspring, I am a combination of two parents. In this case, that means I have the scrubbing gene, coupled with a strong background in house, car, garage and yard work. However, due to dilution of the gene by my mother's more middle of the road genetic profile, I am comfortable talking about this situation and am clearly not in denial - as are many other scrubbers. (I know a woman who secretly scrubs her home to perfection and pretends she has a cleaning service.)
My history involves logical explanation. My dad (carrier of the gene and master teacher) made the military a career, which can be compared to putting the fox in charge of the hen house. We all know that that the military thrives on order and cleanliness. This way of life typically filters through to military families. To illustrate the point, I have clear memory of being instructed by my dad in such areas as 'quality control' and understanding the 'processes and procedures' for everyday life well before I mastered fractions in math class.
At home, our efficiency mantra was 'clean as you go.' Simply put, you clean up as you go, as opposed to messing-up and cleaning-up later. The practice is not only efficient, but it also saves time and your house is always presentable. However, clean-as-you-go does not negate the need for more intensive, detailed work, when you move everything, take each room apart and thoroughly clean from top to bottom.
From early childhood, I understood the concept of passing inspection, Since I have the scrubbing gene and like to work, I pushed the envelope to accomplish superior results. No one made me do it. I was a player in this game. I polished the chrome on my bicycle, I organized the contents of my drawers, and I returned all items to their proper places after each use. In time, I learned to recognize the fine details, predict problem areas and check and recheck my work.
When we lived on a military base, my parents had to pass inspection before vacating quarters and being transferred. I remember how hard they worked to clean what was already an unusually clean house. I remember uniformed soldiers walking around our empty house with clipboards and checklists after our furniture had been loaded on the moving van. I participated in the pre-inspection process. I was pulling for us, hoping we'd pass with flying colors.
I remember only one time when the inspector found anything unsatisfactory. He removed a return vent cover in the wall to discover dust. Fortunately, my mom never packed the core cleaning supplies until the inspection was over. She was on that dust like a duck on a bug. In view of otherwise spotless conditions and satisfactory correction of the problem area, we passed. Never, did we NOT pass inspection.
It is not easy to undo this kind of training, and it is unlikely that 'dirty and disorderly' can replace a penchant for 'clean and neat.' With that said, I recognize the need to surround myself with fellow scrubbers, who will merely be my crossed-trained peers and compatible co-workers.
We'll leave the rest of you alone if you, in turn, promise to do the same
(Elizabeth Addison Willis is a published author, freelance writer and communications consultant. Her email address is willis@smyrnacable.net)
MARCH 2001
Finding love along the .com highway
by elizabeth addison willis
The New Year came and went. Valentine's Day is history. What's that? Still no Mr. or Ms. Right for overly scheduled singles who have little time for dating, especially considering what fate's turned up so far? Scared to throw the hat into the ring only to meet Mr. or Ms. Terribly Wrong - again? With the promise of springtime in the air, what's the prognosis for finding love? It is a jungle out there. When it comes to meeting and mingling, caution is the watchword. The pre-dating-mating dance is getting harder and scarier all the time. Dating is a second job that is tougher than a real job. Singles are discouraged and disheartened because results are not commensurate with effort. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result! But before swearing never to get fixed-up again, there may be a way to throw some science on the problem. Armed with online access and a pioneering spirit, the hunt could get easier. Like most things in life (unless you're just lucky), the search for romance involves getting out there and creating opportunity. But who has time? Titillated with interesting stories from single friends using online introduction and dating services, I decided to check out e-dating resources. Although very married indeed, I don't want to be stuck on the information dirt road without understanding how technology filters down to the real world. A few searches produced tons of virtual dating and mating services available. Hey, don't turn up your nose, but don't get dressed to go out - yet. That comes after you create your profile and make your electronic match. No personal endorsements or recommendations intended, examining the world of e-dating is worthwhile. Although email introductions might seem like trolling for love, there are obvious technological advantages. Instead of sitting home alone (total dead end) or relying on the (very unscientific) singles scene, the Internet offers a plethora of more methodical possibilities. It's mind-boggling how many different types of personal introduction, dating and mating services there are. In fact, the choices are overwhelming, so the first logical step would be to make a match with the service/services that best fit individual interests and preferences. There are free services, fee-based services, exclusive membership services, confidential services, anonymous services, by invitation only services, personal profiling services, background check services, searchable data base services, and the list goes on. There are targeted services geared toward specific age groups, geographic areas, income brackets, educational levels, career paths, ethic backgrounds, religious preferences, sexual orientations, personal interests and hobbies. Needless to say, quality of service may vary, but quantity and quantification are not the problem. Although e-dating might burst a romantic bubble or two, the technology is more logic-based than the alternatives (i.e., strangers in bar exchanging business cards). Here's the bottom line: Based on establishing confidence and security within the service used and IF people trying to meet each other do NOT lie (never forget the impact of the human factor), technology offers opportunities to meet individuals matching specified criteria. Yes, looking online for Mr. or Ms. Right is more scientific than the existing methodology (i.e., looking under rocks and on top of bar stools). Ask single people what they're looking for, and most will respond with prospective profiles. However, the odds of finding that profile off-line are discouraging. Online, there are several matchmaking services specializing in pre-selected criteria. Searchers can create their own questions and criteria, which is then used for determining matches. One service lists over 150 areas of interests and compatibility from which participants design their own screening and scoring systems. These profiling tools are used to evaluate applicants and make matches. It's amazing how finitely computers can cross-search. (The FBI and IRS swear by this technology.) The world of e-dating is relatively new, but data bases are growing and screening tools are continuously being upgraded. Most sites display photos, and many offer audio and video capabilities. When you find someone who meets your criteria, you can view a photo or video and chat via email before deciding to meet. Note: Rules for online communications and in-person meetings are posted and should be closely followed. Also, suggest learning emoticons or facial expressions made using keystrokes and used in e-flirting/example :-) = O. Cyber services match singles seeking only committed long-term relationships. Others match only professional singles with advanced degrees, while others help scientists meet scientists and animal lovers meet animal lovers. One service specializes in matching progressive, socially conscious singles. There's even one making matches using intuition and psychographics. Whatever! It's just like the popular country song says... www.clickonme! But as your mother warned, be careful what you ask for. You just might find it.
APRIL 2001
What we have here is a failure to communicate
by elizabeth addison willis
Have you ever noticed that it's not so much what you say as how you say it? In others words, the way in which you say something makes the difference in how your message is received. Tone of voice, choice of words, body language, eye contact and facial expression meld to determine how positively or negatively the person to whom you are talking perceives what you say.
This information is certainly not news, but we all need reminding about how important delivery is when we communicate with others. Why waste breath if what we say is lost in how we say it? Plus, people can be so turned off by how you speak to them that the experience colors their overall opinion of you. Perception is Reality! This means how others perceive what you say is the determining factor in how they perceive both you and your message. Note: We're not talking about right or wrong here. We are talking about effective vs. ineffective.
As one who claims to specialize in communications, I too get slack and tend to forget the importance of delivery. It's a tough job to get it right all the time. I get lazy about communicating, forgetting that in order to be an effective communicator, I not only need to be mindful of my delivery, but I also must tailor my message, depending on the audience. No one effective style of communicating works across the board. It's never that easy.
Nowhere are my oversights more obvious than at home. (For the record, most of us do a better job of communicating away from home than at home.) Case in point... The other day, my husband, who is the recipient of most of my messages, reminded me that no matter what I had to say to him, he'd prefer to hear it in a 'pleasant' manner. My immediate reaction was to feel defensive. Okay, so I was in a hurry and after all, I was answering a question that I did not need to answer because I've answered it before when he was not listening.
Since this whole thing comes down to being effective or ineffective, I realized that even if I were right in some convoluted way, it didn't matter. Defensive posturing leads to escalation. What was perceived as 'not pleasant' might soon be heard as downright 'ugly.'
Once I did a little slow, deep breathing, I understood that regardless of my intent or perception, whatever it was I was saying did not sound 'pleasant' to him. Recognizing that his perception of me becomes his reality, I recognized that I was dropping the effectiveness ball. He was telling me that if I wanted him to hear me and respond positively, I needed to talk to him in a way that works for him.
In these matters, I'd rather be 'effective' than 'right,' which led me to launch a new effort to revamp my communications style with my husband. I know what works but fail to apply it. Yet, in spite of occasional frustrations, I do want to communicate effectively with him as he does with me.
The challenge for us is that even though we both speak English, we have very different communications styles and backgrounds. I grew up in the military, which has its own style of communications, as does each sub-culture. I learned to respond to communications that are sharp and clear. Since I am the kind of person who does not require much sugar-coating of the message, I need to remember that some people do.
My husband is fifth-generation Atlanta, born and reared right here. My 30-year experience of living in the South has taught me that a 'pleasant' delivery of the message is essential to effective communications. I decided my best course of action was to consult an expert.
The South's (maybe even the world's) most 'pleasant' person is Melinda, a genuine Steele Magnolia. She is genuinely and consistently pleasant in her delivery, no matter what she says. Even if you catch her off guard, she is true blue to effective communications. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back in the next life as Melinda. For now, I'd have to settle for a short counseling session with her, hoping that some of her consummate pleasantness could rub off.
Melinda listened patiently as I explained how I wanted to increase my 'pleasant' perception. Then, she calmly but confidently said, "Well, in order to say just about anything to anybody, soften your voice a bit and speak slower. If there is any chance that they won't like what you're saying, be sure to add the phrase, 'bless your heart' at the end."
This is simple but excellent advice. It works! I've tried it out in practice already. Now, I'm going for the big test. I'll soften my tone, speak slowly and in a gentle manner, look at my husband and say, "You forgot to take out the garbage, bless your heart."
I'll bet money he'll hear the pleasant part, take out the garbage and tranquillity will prevail!
(Elizabeth Addison Willis is a published author, freelance writer and communications consultant. Her email address is willis@smyrnacable.net)